“What is one way in which you ‘role-model’ for your child/ren that you feel proud of?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. read more
“How do your communicate apologies in your home?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. read more
“What expectations do you have of your child/ren?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. This post is part of the Question of the Day series. read more
“What judgments about you get in your way of seeing yourself as you truly are?” While it may sound strange, I’m learning that denying my negative judgments about myself makes me a worse mom. Let me explain. I’m loathe to think of myself as selfish. Being labeled as self-centered or self-absorbed is something I’ve vehemently denied most of my life. I’ve created a persona of selfless caregiver – a mask I wear to appear solely other-focused, generous, helpful, caring, and attentive only to other’s needs. What’s true, however, is that I AM selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed, underneath this mask and by denying this truth I do several things: I lie to myself and further separate myself from my wholeness I mislead others and present a false self-image I make it easy for my daughter to think that I don’t have needs and that mamas don’t need to care for themselves too I increase the likelihood that I’ll overcompensate for my denial by going berserk at some point when my needs finally must be addressed I only came to this realization as I began working with my new coach, Eliane, and reading Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I’ve done lots of personal development, yet the idea of embracing the parts of me that I’ve spent decades trying to exorcise is new. Ford writes about how our shadow — the “dark” side that we learned to hide, deny, hate, or fear as we were acculturated — holds a key to our freedom. By incorporating our shadow, we regain our wholeness and we have access to the gifts... read more
“What are two of your deepest dreams for your child/ren?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. read more
“What are tangible ways that you demonstrate your love to your child/ren?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. read more
“What judgments about your child get in your way of seeing her/him as she/he truly is?” Your answers and conversation are welcome. read more
“What is one thing you are ‘role-modeling’ for your child/ren that you want to change?” I grew up with loving, generous, and “work in progress” parents. Though they were kind-hearted, their words when upset could be judgmental and sarcastic. I learned that sarcasm was the “safe” way to express my own anger and irritation and it fit well with my “good girl” drama. Though I’ve had many years to unlearn this habit and I don’t use it as frequently as I once did, it’s still a model that I sometimes set and don’t want to. Sarcasm is not an inheritance I want to bequeath to my daughter. While it’s true that she could pick it up from another part of her world (yes, sarcasm is thriving in our broader culture), I’m certainly the most likely source due to the amount of time we spend together. So here’s what I’m going to do based on past success in altering habits of speech that I’m ready to lose. How to change a habit of speech It may seem obvious, but the first step in changing a way that I talk is to notice that I do it. The more discerning I can be, the better I’ll be able to root out the old habit. Usually I simply focus my energy on catching myself any time I use the undesired speech — I also ask for trusted friends to bring it to my attention when I “mis-speak.” Whenever I engage in the undesired speech, stop talking the instant I notice I’ve done it. While this sometimes results in awkward pauses, it retrains... read more
“Who do you hope to become thanks to the journey you’ll take as a parent?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
“What aspect of how you were parented do you not want to continue in your family?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
“What aspect of the way you were parented would you like to continue in your own home?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
“What do you spend time and energy on that you actually don’t care that much about?” If you wonder what this picture has to do with this question or, are confused about what relation, if any, it has to parenting, I can explain. This photo is of my lower legs and how they look most of the time. Yes, I live in a culture that perpetuates the myth that beautiful female legs are hairless, smooth legs. For me, however, deep down, I don’t really care if my legs are hairy or free from hair. When I go to my gym class that’s filled with women with shiny calves and shins, the part of me that craves acceptance, quivers a bit and yells at me to “cover up those legs or at least trim the hairs so it just looks like you forgot to shave for a couple of days!” When I’m honest with myself, however, I personally don’t think that having hairless legs is worth the time, effort, or expense to make them that way. Also, I don’t think that my belonging or like-ability should have anything to do with the stubble-status of my legs. So that’s what the photo has to do with today’s question. But how does it relate to parenting or family life? Reality check We’re human beings with limits. Though we can change them to some degree and I believe in abundance and possibility, we still have actual present-day realities to live with. There are 24-hours in a day and seven days in a week. We have X number of dollars in the bank, earn... read more
“What skill or quality would you most like to develop in yourself as a parent today?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
“Which of your needs and your child’s/children’s needs are most interconnected?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
“What is truly important here?” This question of the day (QOTD) is meant to spark your own inquiry into your parenting journey. Your answers, questions, or conversation are welcome. Learn more about the QOTD... read more
This morning I cried. Sorrow for not being the mama I can be. Sadness for not putting joy into my daughter’s morning like I could have. Heartache at my own short-comings and lack of greater awareness. In all honesty, I hadn’t done anything horrible or perhaps even that hurtful. But I had been focused on the wrong things and behaved more like a drill sergeant as I sought to pack my daughter’s lunch and get her ready to go to a friend’s house. Instead of bringing playful energy to our day and enjoying our short time together as we prepared to go, I was brusque and business-like, leaving little room for connection. “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brené Brown For me, self-forgiveness is one of the hardest practices. Plenty of old beliefs still have roots dug in at places I’ve yet to weed. And my deep desire to lovingly raise my daughter frequently trips me up as a demand to do “everything right.” Sufficient work in personal growth means that when I do go unconscious, it doesn’t last and I eventually realize I was off track. Combined, these qualities mean that I want to be and do parenting really well, yet I know it when I’ve missed the mark and have come up as merely human — vulnerable, flawed, endeavoring, loveable, laughable, imperfect. Allowing my humanity in its “worst” form is hard — I’m working on it, yet it’s really challenging for me to offer myself that same grace of forgiveness that I can... read more
As any attentive student or teacher knows, questions help us learn, grow, consider, reconsider, examine, and wonder. As a parent, I notice that we often either believe we already know the answers, or act as if we know them. What I think is actually true, however, is that we frequently don’t know the answers or don’t even know that we don’t know. I also think that when we do periodically stop to examine our parenting path and the choices we’re making, asking the deeper questions will help lead us out of confusion and into the light. As a parent coach, one of my main practices is to ask questions (nope, I don’t actually provide the answers) and support families to discover the answers and truths that resonate with them. So, to keep my mind sharp and encourage you to ask the deep questions about life as a parent, I’m beginning a new series — the question of the day (or QOTD for short). Periodically I’ll post a parenting-themed question for you to ponder. I hope each one will at least give you pause, and that some will get your own mind and heart reeling to find your own answers. I welcome you to share your answers in the comments section or to join into conversation around any question that gets your attention. On a regular basis I’ll write in detail on one of the QOTDs. If you find a particular question useful, provocative, thought-provoking, or powerful, please share them on facebook or “like” the post. And, if you have a question you’d like to share with other parents, please... read more
Welcome to the July 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Anger This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about anger. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about breastfeeding. *** Every (conscious) parent has regretted something they’ve said or done to their child in a moment of anger. We don’t normally talk openly about these incidents probably because we feel such shame, revulsion, and hurt that we lost control while in the throes of anger and behaved in an unloving, hurtful, or frightening way toward our child. Does this mean we’re abusive parents in such moments? At some level, yes. More importantly, however, it means that we’re all human and capable of doing things that don’t reflect who we really are and what we truly want for our children. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we have the power to deal with our pent up anger so that we don’t spill it out on our children (or others). Allowing anger without abusive behavior Growing up, I was punished for being resistant to situations or events I didn’t like. Yelling, having a “tantrum,” biting, or otherwise making my “hell no!” clearly visible was not okay with my parents (or other adults). I mention this not to blame my parents, but to explain my early/formative personal experience with anger. While harming another person (which I occasionally did when I bit someone) isn’t an action to condone, it is essential... read more
